Abandoned by Her Father, This Young Woman Struggles with the Emotional Fallout of Neglect

Maryam Umar’s* father had faded into the background of her life for the past eight years. Before then, he was a man who flitted between the houses of his two wives in Kaduna, northwestern Nigeria. 

“My mother fell seriously sick and had to be taken back to the village for treatment, but by the time she came back, my father had packed her things out of the house,” Maryam recounted. Left with nowhere to turn, she returned to her father’s house, along with her siblings. But even before that, Maryam said, their father never really fulfilled his role as a father and husband to the family; he was more preoccupied with his first wife and children.

“On my father’s first night with my mother, his first wife went there to tell him one of her children was sick, and he left my mother alone that night,” she recounted the story told by her mother, which seared into her mind. It was a care and attention Maryam and her brothers would never experience, not even when she fell gravely ill with pneumonia as a child.

The estranged wife and her absent father are very common features in polygamous marriages. In February 2024, the National Human Rights Commission (NHRC)  raised concerns over the rising rates of child abandonment in Nigeria. That month alone, the commission received 339 complaints.

Dr Tony Ojukwu, NHRC’s Executive Secretary, expressed his concerns about how child abandonment may contribute to the already existing security threat in the country. 

Neglect 

“My mother used to say she had never received even a scarf as a gift from my father after they got married, and a lot of times, she found herself doing most things for herself and her children,” Maryam recalled. But this lack of generosity only ends with them. She said he brags about sponsoring other people’s education and tries to convince people that he is a present and caring father. 

At 19, Maryam is currently studying Biochemistry at Kaduna State University. She is the youngest of her mother’s three children. Her father has seven other children with his first wife and another daughter with a woman he is now divorced from. 

“I don’t know how it feels to be loved and cared for by a father,” she said. “He has never called me to ask if I am okay or to check up on how any of us are doing. He pays my school fees and used to give me transport fare to school, but he has stopped doing that completely. Even with the school fees, my mum has to report him to his friends before he sends it.” 

Abandonment can manifest as total desertion or emotional neglect, where a parent withdraws contact and fails to take any emotional responsibility for their child, ignoring their welfare, health, and safety. Leaving children unsupervised at home, failing to provide necessary financial support, or neglecting to pay child support can all constitute abandonment.

Maryam’s two older brothers have an even worse relationship with her father. He refuses to acknowledge or even pay the eldest brother’s school fees, often claiming he has no money, leaving her mother to cover the cost. 

Her mother, who studied civil engineering, had been a teacher for many years and was promoted to vice principal last year. Yet, despite this promotion, taking care of herself and her three children has been overwhelming, especially with no help from their father. 

Clause 17 (1) of the Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act criminalises abandonment of spouse, children, and other dependents, with penalties of up to three years in prison, a fine of at least ₦500,000, or both. Yet, spouse and child abandonment and neglect remain alarmingly common in polygamous families.

The unconcerned father 

“I fell very sick recently, and my mother called to ask my father to help with the hospital bills,” Maryam said. “He claimed he had no money and never called to check up on me throughout my illness.” When her second brother called him sometime later to ask for help buying textbooks in school, he told him he couldn’t help because he had to pay one of his sister’s medical fees.

“When my eldest brother got into Nigerian Defence Academy three years ago, we were very happy because it meant when he graduated, he would be able to help us financially, but our dad told him he wouldn’t make it because, in his words, ‘he doesn’t have the brain capacity to handle it.’” 

Things took a troubling turn for the family when the brother started disappearing from school. On one occasion, he was found on the streets barefoot, dressed in dirty clothes, and seemed completely unaware of his environment. The family managed to bring him back, but he wasn’t the same.  

“We got many people to talk to him, but he kept saying he wasn’t going back, so we let him be. He is currently doing well at Kaduna State University,” Maryam said. Their father never bothered to check up on him throughout that ordeal.

Maryam’s mother had tried multiple ways to force him into performing his duties as a father, including reporting him to his family members. But his family said there was nothing they could do to help because he is the eldest sibling, and according to their family values,  the eldest is always right and can never really be admonished. 

Eventually, Maryam’s mother grew frustrated and attempted to seek guidance from a Sharia court judge about how to end the marriage, as he refused to divorce her. However, her family members talked her out of it. 

‘They never contributed anything to our upkeep but still talked my mother out of the divorce, telling her to look out for my future for when I am getting married, as no one would want to marry a divorcee’s daughter,” Maryam told HumAngle. 

The absence of a strong support system, the social stigma surrounding divorce, as well as the psychological, mental, and financial toll it takes, make it increasingly difficult for women to seek divorce. In many Nigerian communities, divorced women are viewed as failures, troublesome, and inferior.

Maryam and her siblings live with their mother’s extended family, but tensions run high at home. Her maternal uncles and aunties accuse their mother of using dark magic to make her the favourite child and constantly remind them that the house is not truly theirs. “My uncle recently said my mum was trying to take over the house by bringing her children in,” she said. 

Maryam had tried to involve her father in her life, but she gave up when nothing seemed to work. She recalled, “I once called him to ask if I could visit him in his house, but he outrightly told me there was no space for me there despite having empty rooms in the house. When my other stepsister visited them sometime back, his wife forced her to sleep in the kitchen.”

An uncertain future

“Sometimes I want to get married, but a lot of times I am terrified of it,” Maryam said. “My mother usually says if she knew that’s how her life would turn out, she never would have agreed to marry.”

The emotional strain has taken its toll on Maryam’s ability to focus, especially at school.  “I finally talked to my mother about seeing a psychiatrist, and she agreed. My mother is the biggest source of comfort in my life. She always supports and listens to me. I consider her my best friend,” she said. But despite her efforts, there are still many things her mother can’t protect her from, such as the impact of her father’s abandonment. 

“I always find myself seeking fatherly love in many places. I struggle with my confidence and self-esteem, and the only thing that makes me happy is daydreaming, that’s why I am stuck in my head most of the time.” 

Experts say that child abandonment leads to deep feelings of rejection and loss, lack of trust in others, low self-esteem, and insecurity in the children left behind, and this can impact their lives and future relationships. The lack of a nurturing and stable environment hinders their physical development and general well-being.

Maryam is also deeply concerned about the possibility of ending up in a polygamous marriage, particularly given her experiences at home and with other people around her. “I know polygamy is allowed in Islam, and I don’t think I have a choice,” she said. “If I ever get married, I intend to make whoever I end up with sign a contract to protect my interests. In most of the polygamous homes I see, people let jealousy take control and ruin others’ lives, and I don’t want that life for myself.”

Research indicates that women in societies where polygamy is common are more likely to suffer from anxiety even if they are not directly affected due to the constant fear of worrying about what will happen when their husbands decide to enter into polygamous marriages.

“Generally,  I am happier and more at peace because this year [referring to 2024, when the interview was conducted] has been good to me, but things with my dad are still the same,” Maryam told HumAngle. “Throughout this year, he has not called any of us. He visited once earlier this year to see my grandma, and my brother confronted him, and he said we should not question him and leave him with God.” 

Maryam is unsure how her life will turn out, but she tries to be hopeful and work hard towards living a life her mother would be proud of. She hopes she becomes the reason her mother gets the break she deserves for being the present parent for all those years despite everything she went through.